don't get lost in heaven

#1
dont get lost in heaven,u fail to see the real
trapped in mental mazes,fail to see the ill

dont get lost in heaven,misguided thought prevails
lost in modern pleasures,our only logic fails

if u have false thoughts,on matters so real
why do you chase the chance to go to kill?

tell me now,how many of y'all people really feel me
like a dark secret,best to shun,conseal me

afraid to hear the thrueth and get it in your mind
we going the wrong way,we gon' pay for it in time

cos times are not the way they were,best believe
pain then pain now,but an altered kind of grieve

dont get lost in heaven,indulge in evil pleasures
honesty and trueth,long forgotten treasures

relish the taste of power and enjoy the sence of might
feel the passion of strength,after all it is your right

to live the way you want,success; the tempting prize
this is what they'll find in case of your demise

dont get lost in heaven,blackness is inside
disquised in the form of self-proclaimed pride

where is your dignity,search and you will know
that donations have reached an all time low

dont get lost in heaven,donations are not a sum
donations are the times we give and take back some

you get what u give,u enjoy the way you live
"why change?"try to stop,think,and just forgive

don't get lost in heaven,hate is not the wrath
hate is the fate skulptured through our path
paths through white roads,paved,"no pain in sight"
"no misery",open your eyes and shed some light
"but i dont see no agony,i see no sign of fear"
close your eyes,and tell me what you hear
"i hear nothing,i see nothing,what am i supposed to do?"
no sight,no hearing,all you need is numbness too

dont get lost in heaven,do not see,hear or feel
multiplied by eternity and you have something so real
so very authentic,it will steal you of your breath
add up the fortold feelings;now bow down to death
don't get lost in heaven..
 
#4
nice man.

i really liked this, i liked the flow to it, it was fast paced and it worked well with your structure, nice stuff.

relish the taste of power and enjoy the sence of might
feel the passion of strength,after all it is your right

dont get lost in heaven,blackness is inside
disquised in the form of self-proclaimed pride

dont get lost in heaven,donations are not a sum
donations are the times we give and take back some


i liked these lines here, they had the most impact on me, also the 'numbness' one later on was cool too.

keep writing.
 
#5
Rhymes were good, message was good, and the content was consistently solid. However your structure is kinda weird plus the punctuation was inconsistent, and that detracted from the overall quality of the poem. Other than that this was a quality piece, keep writing man.
 
#8
BRILLIANT!!! ABSOLUTLY BRILLINAT!!! the message WOW !!! and a well put structure,,,my man you are good,,,,,,,keep up the good work and keep delivering those awsome pieces and that's all i've got to say about that.
 

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