Like The Ocean

[jm5471]

i havent wrote ne thing in here for a while so heres something i wrote earlier this week, lemme know what yall think

just like footprints in sand
this is my footprint from hand
the trail can only be earsed when the tide comes in
and the water covers the origins without a trace
now tossing and changing in the tide
rearranging like how i feel inside
always changing with problems like rocks or sharks
in the water they can knock me around out of order
pounding me down and buried beneith the sand and shells
as if shot heavily with a shot gun guage 12
tho like a hermit crab as i grow i change shells
ive learned if theres baracudas around
take off ur shine or get taken down
like a plane in the bermuda triangle disappearing forever
try every angle cause if strangled
escape is never i actually find myself quite' clever

lemme know what yall think

 

[kman_69]

could help to read over ur peice a bit...just proof read...i noticed a few typos..

escape is never i actually find myslf quite' clever

^^last line was a bit off


but over all i like the concept of this peice man...very cool metephores....open to interpretation...i like that

peace.

reply to 3 poems!

 

[jm5471]

thanks and i replied to probably 10 in the last week or 2 w/o postin up

 

[jm5471]

fixed up the mispellings, when i write i jus go, dont stop n jus write so i kinda mess up on spellin n on flow but its all emotion so fuck all the comotion

 

[Levendi]

dude, i got no idea what you were trying to say with that piece but i thought it was dope. Everything is mixed up and rhyme scheme is messed up but you got some clever lines in there man...keep it up.

I liked these lines :

"the trail can only be earsed when the tide comes in
and the water covers the origins without a trace
now tossing and changing in the tide
rearranging like how i feel inside"

also -

"as if shot heavily with a shot gun guage 12
tho like a hermit crab as i grow i change shells
ive learned if theres baracudas around
take off ur shine or get taken down"


.

 

[jm5471]

well at least u liked it haaaa

 

[Blunted Dreamz]

interesting piece, i like. Definately enjoyed the metaphors and message, did notice the rhyming pattern seemed a little erratic , but nothing that really distracted from the message.

 

[shattered dreams]

to me i have a hard time understanding where your coming from..its like your thoughts are flowing out of your head faster than you can put them together, you have a high potential to write some amazing shit, instead of trying to have some intellectual words come spewing out of your head and writing them down quick, write from whats in your heart you cant go wrong, write whats exactly on your mind, a writers vocabulary can be only a few words, if they write from the heart, people still feel it, just write from the heart.....but you did have some kick ass metaphors..just to try to piece it together a little bit better

favorite line
tho like a hermit crab as i grow i change shells

 

[jm5471]

thanks both of ya for checkin it out and yea u got it right, i have shit going too quick in my head that i cant grasp it in time and work to far ahead, i myself notice when i write more slowed up, it seems to come out more clear....thanks again for checkin it

 

[~live2tell~]

i havent wrote ne thing in here for a while so heres something i wrote earlier this week, lemme know what yall think

just like footprints in sand
this is my footprint from hand
the trail can only be earsed when the tide comes in
and the water covers the origins without a trace
now tossing and changing in the tide
rearranging like how i feel inside
always changing with problems like rocks or sharks
in the water they can knock me around out of order
pounding me down and buried beneith the sand and shells
as if shot heavily with a shot gun guage 12
tho like a hermit crab as i grow i change shells
ive learned if theres baracudas around
take off ur shine or get taken down
like a plane in the bermuda triangle disappearing forever
try every angle cause if strangled
escape is never i actually find myself quite' clever

lemme know what yall think

I think you were thinking too much when you wrote this piece, I've definitely read better from you. It started out pretty interesting, the first 4 lines grabbed my attention but then I just didn't have a clue what you were trying to express, think less and maybe your true expressions will be portrayed more clearly (as in your other poetry).

P.S. I hope you don't take offence to this post, its meant in a totally inoffensive way.