Living Opposites

[ArtsyGirl]

Living Opposites

I’m a citizen of the forgotten people
Existing alongside the dirt path
I get spoke down and laughed at
Moved from past to place
My only friend is liquid in a glass
Security for the upper class
Shake me down for my secret stash
Turn me weak so I never laugh last

I’m a princess of the High class
Existing alongside the blind and the deaf
With all the riches my life only knows the stress
Loved then forgotten by my second breath
But the need to maintain appearances
Takes importance over my miserableness
The secret within tells of walls thin
My mother sobs whenever soberness begins

I stand on the concrete and judge you
Five seconds from seeing you
I already know the secrets and the misery
The mistakes and shame gained
Your life story told without a sound
Estimate your wealth and status
Like all of that matters
To know you my thoughts would shatter


Well I tried my hand at a longer poem, thought I'd post it to get some feedback. I think I'll leave the thought behind the poem for you to understand, but if anyone wants me to explain I will.

Thanks

 

[ArtsyGirl]

.........

 

[The.Menace]

I can't follow the structure, sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't.

 

[Kadafi Son]

In tha beginning, I could see where you were comin' from but the 3rd part lost me. As for far as the rhyme scheme, same thing that menace said. I guess its a poem where u just throw ya thoughts out there. But...uhh...its an ok poem for me. I just think u could fix some parts where it confuses me (3rd part)

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Yeah I see what you mean, specially for the first part and last (middles my favourite) .. The last one was meant to be like people who judge others without knowing them, I dont know if you know the type of people I mean but they'll create a whole perception of someone based off looks alone.

 

[kman_69]

hey, been so long since i checked the board!!....

my take on it was that the thrid part was meant to be "society" and how it judges people (the first and second parts) based on background and stereotypes, and how those opposite sterotypes can sometimes be jugded in exacty the same yet opposite ways...

anyway, cool drop

peace!

 

[ArtsyGirl]

^Yeah thats basically it Thanks

 

[Synful*Luv]

I liked it, it kind of lost me at some parts. Like when I went back and read it, i knew where you were coming from, but it took me awhile to get it. Either the poem is really deep or i'm really slow, lol.

But I still think it has a lot of potential, good job since it was one of your first longer poems :thumb:

 

[assassin_4001]

well it aint bad, am i the only one who really got INTO it, i dont know about everyone but i LOVED it, yet still you should have worked on your rhyming, other then that all i can say is this is a masterpiece!! mashallah

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Thanks Syn, thanks Assassin!

 

[Farzin]

I liked it. You are giving life to human perception. Its a very nice piece and dont worry about not everything rhyming on point. Poems dont have to rhyme.