2 Mom

[jm5471]

well its been a longggggggggg while since ive dropped something so heres something i jus wrote thinkin bout my mom, tell me what yall think

god ive fucked up half my life i dont even give respect
to those who gave me life i can be trife
and my insight can be far from outa sight
where will i go in my life
i have chosen who will be there 2 catch me
but i dont wanna impose 4 foes 2 catch me
cause i cant trust ne 1 except my girl
my mother brother or my son
i'd give the world for a father i got a lover
so y bother cause they'll be no other
could that be the reason y im fine towards my brother
but a vine 2 my mother wrapping myself slowly around her
choking from proking leading her towards the ground
theres no cover from my pounce i attack from all angles
except physical the only wat i strangle
is in the metaphysical
you can ridicule or be some kinda tangle
2 my line which defines jus 2 strangle
its kinda pitiful i give u all my anger

this is jus a lil thing i wrout kinda 2 my mom, i kno that most might not be able 2 catch all of it, sorry its kinda deep n unable 2 understand cause of past events but i appreciate any feedback, pos or neg

 

[~live2tell~]

I like the flow in places its a little off but overall its really good, and I also liked some of the vocab you used, it was clever I felt. Like you said its difficult to understand all of it you put together some nice phrases though, nice drop and hope you continue to write and share with this forum.

 

[jm5471]

thanks for checking it out i appriciate the feedback

 

[The.Menace]

I don't like the rhymes - I mean is this supposed 2 rhyme? Or isn't it? 2 use "2 catch me" twice isn't a good idea neigther, I mean, that doesn't count as a rhyme for me boy.

 

[jm5471]

duke if u read what i wrote before the rhyme u would understand other than that wut u talkin about it was something 2 my mom n i said that some parts are deep where u wont really get it other than that dont hate on something u dont understand......but good feedback on the catch me line

 

[The.Menace]

I don't talk about the actual msg, I don't talk about what you're trying to say, I talk about the rhyming. Watch the first 4 lines, you don't ryhme the end of each line, but 3 out 4. After that you use the same words twice to make it rhyme, afterwards you end the line with "girl" and "son", obvisouly no rhyme but right afterwards you rhyme "other" "lover".

See what I mean? IF you want to rhyme you gotta make the whole piece rhyme - if you don't in ruins it for me.

peace

 

[jm5471]

ok ok good looks on the feedback

 

[Kadafi Son]

Hey that was real mean and poetic. I could relate your poem. All I got is my mama and siblings. I don't show respect to anyone either. I don't give a fuck about much. You just put it in words. Propz.

 

[jm5471]

thanks im glad that u enjoyed it

 

[MX Red]

I liked it, im not a critic so i have little to say on the structure. But i liked it cause u showed some emotion...I have troubled time with my mother aswell, so i can relate to an extent. One thing i would say though is write the whole word, dont abriviate with numbers - just fucks u up when im reading it :thumb:

-MX

 

[kman_69]

cool drop....very visual which i like!

definetly not what i expected from a "dear mama" peice

nice work!

 

[Kadafi Son]

cool drop....very visual which i like!

definetly not what i expected from a "dear mama" peice

nice work!

WOOOO!!!! Somebody actually visited AND POSTED in Poetic Justice?!

 

[Swollen_Member]

Good shit. Nice flow to your rhymes.

 

[Jackoffalot]

your not 2pac, stop it

 

[Kadafi Son]

your not 2pac, stop it

Don't know if your being sarcastic, but if you are, stop hating...the man got talent

 

[jm5471]

Don't know if your being sarcastic, but if you are, stop hating...the man got talent

thanks, n fuck him if he is hating cause he cant do what i can, also i forgot that pac was the only one wit a mom