a day

[Mad skillz]

I know i cant really write poems well, so it ryhmes and all but i tried anyway. I normall just write a few line every now and again and get board and stop. but this time i just carried on writting. its my first real poem.
i thought id write this cos i get really pissed of with people who just say and do things just so they can be seen as 'cool'.....
Any feedback would be good. thanks :thumb:

Sleeping the day away,
The definition of a good day,
Just lying in my bed,
Without a care in the world,
The world is in my head,
The only place a want to be,

But the worlds not like that,
I must wake up and join it,
To meet my everyday war
This world I try to ignore,
My headphones blazing,
Trying to keep you out,

Spend my days staring into space,
Where my thoughts are what matter,
Not a mark on a piece of paper,
But I hear my name I cant remember a trace,
Hurled back to reality,
The place I really don’t want to be,

I laugh and joke but only with a selective few,
Know one knows the full me, only parts,
I hear the laughs and jokes directed at me,
Not worth the time I say
I’ll deal with it another day
I may be small but the day will come

Enough is enough the day has come
Time to show im more than them
To show I punch above my weight
And im stronger than I look
Im really not scared
Or fazed with what will happen

As I know nothing will happen
Words will be thrown
He will walk back to his clowns
Who will still point and laugh
Just farther away then before
Cos we both know its all for there image

 

[Florida123]

i really enjoyed this...an easygoing read...i especially liked the opening paragraph, it made me smile cause that's how i feel sometimes when i just want to lay in bed all day...and don't say that you don't have skillz cuz u do...keep writing

 

[~live2tell~]

I enjoyed it too, I enjoyed reading the story behind this. Kinda reminds me of something/someone. I can definitely relate to the first verse. My fave verse was this >>>

I laugh and joke but only with a selective few,
Know one knows the full me, only parts,
I hear the laughs and jokes directed at me,
Not worth the time I say
I’ll deal with it another day
I may be small but the day will come

Again because I can relate.

Keep writing.

 

[thug_militant]

My honest opinion is that it was long and dull, nice effort though

 

[Cown]

Definatly a great piece of writting, don't know why, but the flow you gave it make me rap it in my head lol, nice job :thumb: keep it up

 

[Levendi]

cool poem man, this the schooldayz right...? Dont worry too much about it man, those times will pass so quickly and u wont even remember it in years to come...

These are the lines i liked the best :

" To meet my everyday war
This world I try to ignore,
My headphones blazing,
Trying to keep you out,

Spend my days staring into space,
Where my thoughts are what matter,
Not a mark on a piece of paper, "

and also :

" I laugh and joke but only with a selective few,
Know one knows the full me, only parts,
I hear the laughs and jokes directed at me,
Not worth the time I say
I’ll deal with it another day "



keep it up man, u can only improve...


peace.

 

[Mad skillz]

cool poem man, this the schooldayz right...? Dont worry too much about it man, those times will pass so quickly and u wont even remember it in years to come...

i know in the poem it doesnt sound like i enjoy what happends in it.... but i do, i wish i coud always stay in school

thanks for the replys :thumb:

 

[MonroeThaDon]

yea u'll get thru thsi man. good poem tho soem of ur descriptive words brought ur frustration thru teh computer screen. dont b so hard on urself, the poem is godd as is ur writing skills

 

[shattered dreams]

nice poem, nicely written, favorite lines were

I laugh and joke but only with a selective few,
Know one knows the full me, only parts,
I hear the laughs and jokes directed at me,
Not worth the time I say
I’ll deal with it another day
I may be small but the day will come

im sure a lot of people has felt this in one way or another, and not being small but being judged wrongly.

 

[jaimie.uk fan]

good poem - l liked this bit

Time to show im more than them
To show I punch above my weight
And im stronger than I look


bet there is many who agree and want to do just this :thumb:

 

[jm5471]

for your first poem it was good, the rhyming wasnt fully together but it didnt matter because the way you worked each bar together......keep it up

 

[SeX KiTTeN]

I really liked the way that you wrote about a simple everyday topic and still made it an enjoyable read. You don't need to write about death or about something dark or sinister to keep it interesting, and you really emphasized that fact.

Wd! :thumb:

 

[Belo]

Hey wats up man.. I'm from Brighton
Liked the poem.. don't worry bout rhyme or watever.. that will come.. if u keep just letting your feelings write the words the poems will always be tight man
Keep it up
Peace
Belo

 

[Buck_Buck_Bing]

Boring, nothing captured me as a reader to want to carry on reading the poem and in turn reading it over and over again.