B.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l

[Jurhum]

Just wrote this. Feedback is much appreciated. and reps for those who reply.

Because of your smile, I smile. Because of your tears, I cry.
Even when you try to act wild, I know beneath it all you’re shy.
And music to my ears is your voice every time I receive your call
Under your physical beauty, there, concealed is a beautiful soul.
To me you are the world of happiness, trapped in BEAUTY.
Inspirational with every word you say, you help hope survive.
Figuratively an angel deprived of wings, yet fighting to stay alive.
Undo the past and see, your future remains waiting outside the door
Let life be and be, for nothing is truly worth frowning for.

 

[Sebastian]

i really like this poem.

clear/strong message..maybe the flow could be a bit better but anyway, good piece of work in my opinion :thumb:

 

[Jurhum]

Thanx for the reply. Next time I'll try to improve on the flow

 

[pinggolfer08]

Hey i really like this one. Has a perfect concept to it.

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

The positive train does not miss this stop.

I also like this poem. Unlike beReal, I thought the flow was fine.

One stanza, eight lines & pretty even line length - the structure is strong.

Like every other poem I've read in this section, syllable count isn't paramount.

The opening line really is very simple but strong as a result.

There are two segments which I took exception to.

The first was the end of the 5th line. You say she is, "trapped in beauty" & while at first I thought "trapped by beauty" would've been more appropriate, in hindsight, either is fine really.

The second though still bugs me a bit. From the end part of the 6th line right through to the end of the line is the segment in question. She's helping hope to survive: very nice, conveys her pure beauty. She's an angel deprived of her wings: nice again, heaven on earth. But THEN, you say she's fighting to stay alive: now this to me clashes with the rest of the poem. Up until then everything about the subject is beautiful & flawless. It then switches suddenly & after that line, while not as harsh as "fighthing to stay alive", the poem is no longer has it's angellic feel.

Anyways, I might post more later, I'm a bit tired right now.

Good piece though.

 

[kman_69]

Because of your smile, I smile. Because of your tears, I cry.

^^really related to the first line


cool drop....feelin it, i agree wit bereal tho....flow was a lil off...but still cool

peace.

 

[~live2tell~]

Your poem is beautiful and I'm sure worthy of who it was written for.
I really enjoy the simpleness of it and how you make each line stand out and full of meaning. Loved it.

 

[Jurhum]

pinggolfer08 : thanks a lot.

The positive train does not miss this stop.

I also like this poem. Unlike beReal, I thought the flow was fine.

One stanza, eight lines & pretty even line length - the structure is strong.

Like every other poem I've read in this section, syllable count isn't paramount.

I do need to work on this part. I mean, this is my 4th poems total.

The opening line really is very simple but strong as a result.

There are two segments which I took exception to.

The first was the end of the 5th line. You say she is, "trapped in beauty" & while at first I thought "trapped by beauty" would've been more appropriate, in hindsight, either is fine really.

I think I could've put protected by. It would've been much better.

The second though still bugs me a bit. From the end part of the 6th line right through to the end of the line is the segment in question. She's helping hope to survive: very nice, conveys her pure beauty. She's an angel deprived of her wings: nice again, heaven on earth. But THEN, you say she's fighting to stay alive: now this to me clashes with the rest of the poem. Up until then everything about the subject is beautiful & flawless. It then switches suddenly & after that line, while not as harsh as "fighthing to stay alive", the poem is no longer has it's angellic feel.

Anyways, I might post more later, I'm a bit tired right now.

Good piece though.

The idea was meant to put no matter the situation she never gives up. Fights to stay alive for the rhyming scheme.

Kman, thanks alot man. Your comments always have their special appreciation man.

Sara, thank you too...

 

[Tha_4Gotten]

I really liked it, usually poems like these end up bein crap (at least with me) but u really pulled it off, really enjoyed it

 

[Ghetto_Ghost]

i admire this style of poetry. i also liked how you stayed on topic of 'beaty' throughout the whole thing becuase many of them i've seen go off topic and they totally fuck it up. very passionate.

 

[Jurhum]

Thanks for your comments.

Appreciated

 

[Bender]

I was gonna say your poem was beuatifull but xsarax already did. Like most people up in here I like this poem. The form is not one I have worked with myself, not seriously enough for a result like this one; paradox to it being one of the first forms of poetry I learned. 'Tis a good way to come up with acronyms I've found. Nice piece.

 

[Levendi]

Jurhum that was a nice piece man.
Under the physical beauty the beauty within, my fav part.
Really liked the entire thing actually.
Hope the girl feels the same about you as you do her.
Until next time then, we collectively ask :
More please.





:thumb:

 

[k69atie]

I really enjoyed reading, this, the first line really stood out for me.

I really like how you layed out your poem with all the letters down the side!!


A beautiful poem, i know people have already said that, but it is!! I hope the girl you wrote it about enjoys it as much as i did

Great work, keep it up! :thumb:

 

[IMAGINATIVES]

great poem... i thought the flow was cool... i guess the way people perceive it and want to interpret it is the reason they feel it's off... any person would love to have this...

peace...

 

[Jurhum]

to everyone who replied to his poem after i left the states, i thank you very much.... right now i'm in yemen so i am not goin to be online a lot. i know it's too late to reply to this but o well

 

[Beautiful Angel]

i liked the poem but it seemed to "Break" too much...didn't quite flow as well as it could have
the word usage was good
keep up the good work

*Kel*