Born Loser Part 2

[Ghetto_Ghost]

Born Loser Part 2
i used to think i was lucky but now my luck has left me
how optimistic can i be when my cup is three quarters empty
never had a girlfriend because love loves to avoid me
never had a job because they toss my application and never want to employ me
i always thought i'd stay true to myself and never lie to myself
i was wrong and now i have no one so im all by myself
used to think i was standing tall but found all the time i was laying on the ground
truth hit me so i hit the weed and hit the bar and ordered up another round
momma always tells me i aint shit and i think my family hates me
so i pray for death to come and take me and i hate to see what awaits me
its summertime but its cold in my house so i think i'll go outside
its raining outside but i'd rather get wet then sit and freeze on the inside
i feel the devil coming and i run but with every move i make im falling
i reach for god but i cant see him and i dont think he heard me calling
im only 18 but im old enough to know my life is going no where
theres something great im apart of and i want to go but i dont know where
when i want to take a shit i fall in the toilet because i forget and leave the seat up
i cant face my problems and i start sweating like somebody turned the heat up
i stay up late at night because my stomache tells me that im hungry
i pursue my dreams but they tell me i wont make it because im just not that hungry
i constantly get bullied at school and they tell me that im a loner
i dont like open spaces so i stay out of sight and hide in the corner
i always look over my shoulder because i think somebody wants to murder me
i wish they took the time to understand me instead of going on what they heard of me
i go and see the psychiatrist to hear my momma pour her heart out and so i start to cry
when the sun sets i pull missions because i have no money so one of us has got to die
i try to live my life as the wolf but even a wolf needs its pack
all i asked for was a lover and a friend and somebody to watch my back
i live in the dark and my skin gets pale so they call me ghost
they never seem to look at me twice because i am nothing at most

Replied To:
beReal
Jurhum
Br0k3nW1ngz187

 

[Sebastian]

when i want to take a shit i fall in the toilet because i forget and leave the seat up

lol

ok, the poem definitely paints a clear picture. even though i personally dont like poems with long lines, because mostly the flow isnt that great when you do that, i think it was ok here.
there was not a single line where i say "that was great" but more the poem as a whole made me like it.
all in all, nice poem, i liked it :thumb:

..oh and, i hope you will make it through the hard time...

 

[Ghetto_Ghost]

^ thanks man.
and about that line, it almost happened to me so i decided to put it in there. lol

 

[Ghetto_Ghost]

no love?

 

[DaRoYaLbRaT]

I liked it... Tho i have a lil bit of ctirisizm...

Its good 2 c theres some tight emotion in this piece, felt like they were all over the place, felt like the writter (u)was all ova tha place... Gave the reader (me) n undastanding of wat u were feeling...

The way u put some lines 2getha was real mad eg:

i try to live my life as the wolf but even a wolf needs its pack
all i asked for was a lover and a friend and somebody to watch my back

^^^

its summertime but its cold in my house so i think i'll go outside
its raining outside but i'd rather get wet then sit and freeze on the inside
i feel the devil coming and i run but with every move i make im falling
i reach for god but i cant see him and i dont think he heard me calling

^^Thats tight, u played with ur words alot more...

wat i found hard 2 grip while reading tho was the repitition... u kept ending lines off the same... u need 2 uppa ur vocab in ur work, 2 hold the attention of the reader, I no its all about emotion/feeling But flow tends 2 help... Other than that, Keep it up.

pz

 

[~live2tell~]

Born Loser Part 2
i used to think i was lucky but now my luck has left me
how optimistic can i be when my cup is three quarters empty
never had a girlfriend because love loves to avoid me
never had a job because they toss my application and never want to employ me
i always thought i'd stay true to myself and never lie to myself
i was wrong and now i have no one so im all by myself
used to think i was standing tall but found all the time i was laying on the ground
truth hit me so i hit the weed and hit the bar and ordered up another round
momma always tells me i aint shit and i think my family hates me
so i pray for death to come and take me and i hate to see what awaits me
its summertime but its cold in my house so i think i'll go outside
its raining outside but i'd rather get wet then sit and freeze on the inside
i feel the devil coming and i run but with every move i make im falling
i reach for god but i cant see him and i dont think he heard me calling
im only 18 but im old enough to know my life is going no where
theres something great im apart of and i want to go but i dont know where
when i want to take a shit i fall in the toilet because i forget and leave the seat up
i cant face my problems and i start sweating like somebody turned the heat up
i stay up late at night because my stomache tells me that im hungry
i pursue my dreams but they tell me i wont make it because im just not that hungry
i constantly get bullied at school and they tell me that im a loner
i dont like open spaces so i stay out of sight and hide in the corner
i always look over my shoulder because i think somebody wants to murder me
i wish they took the time to understand me instead of going on what they heard of me
i go and see the psychiatrist to hear my momma pour her heart out and so i start to cry
when the sun sets i pull missions because i have no money so one of us has got to die
i try to live my life as the wolf but even a wolf needs its pack
all i asked for was a lover and a friend and somebody to watch my back
i live in the dark and my skin gets pale so they call me ghost
they never seem to look at me twice because i am nothing at most

I really enjoyed this. I enjoyed the vocab, the flow, your story, I liked how you used repetitive words throughout it gave your poem a different feel to it. Hope you continue to write as well as this.

 

[Bender]

Good story, man.

when i want to take a shit i fall in the toilet because i forget and leave the seat up

^I liked this line too.

I can feel this poem because I have been the depicted looser. Now I tend to dismiss it as a stereotype-type thing.

Very deep. I'd like to read more of your work.