Defeated

[Saint33]

This is my first poem ive ever wrote, other than ones for school but those werent ne good and i didnt put ne thought into them

i don no y i wrote it i just was going to sleep, and then felt like writing this thing. I don no how good it is, im not rilly that poetic. but here it is. Ne positive or negative feedback is much apreciative as long as its helpful



Defeated

This is all your fault
I lie down defeated
Try to convince myself "no"
But my heart's been ripped out and beaten

So I slide it across
My sleeves stain red
Forgetting my love
And the things that you said

Try to focus on the new pain
But only see good through the sore
Start to fade away
As you walk in the door

Tears burst from your eyes
You run to my side
My final thought "I still love you"
"And I regret this choice of suicide"

 

[The.Menace]

Rules.

 

[The.Menace]

up.

 

[Helena]

damn..that was good...keep writing!

 

[Saint33]

thanks helena

don wry i will keep writin, i awredy got a few that ill post up in due time :thumb:

 

[The.Menace]

I like it as well, even through you only rhyme the 2nd and the 4the line....but I ain't sure if I really understand what it's about...?

 

[Saint33]

wuts wrong wit only rymin the second and forth, its flows well

and wut don u understand about it?

 

[The.Menace]

nothing is wrong - I just tend to rhyme every line.

Well, I read it again, been tired yesterday, and ok, I understood it now. I like it, I really do.

 

[Beautiful Angel]

i loved that poem
it was great, i could feel the emotion as i read it
the word usage was very good
the flow was great
loved the meaning

that was very good for a first poem


keep it up

 

[Bender]

Why can't I write like this? Top stuff!

 

[Saint33]

^^ cuz ur not as good as me

lol jk

thanks everyone! im rilly glad u guys liked it

 

[Kadafi Son]

I gotta give you props Saint33. I never really related to this, but I know a lot of people who actually commited suicide because of love. Emotions are somethin' serious.

This is real nice for a first poem. Keep it up and you can be one of the best poets on here.

Peace.

 

[Saint33]

thanks Kadafi Son, although i don no bout bein one of best poets here. i don think im that good.

 

[XIAN]

Wow...! Very powerful in the end I like that. Good job, especially for your first poem.

~peace~

 

[_carmi]

ur talented

 

[~live2tell~]

This is so sad... great poem, very powerful even though you kept it simple. I liked the flow and the rhyme scheme aswell.