Jokes

THEV1LL4N

Well-Known Member
#21
A foul-mouthed ugly fat woman walks into ASDA dragging 2 dirty kids with her.

ASDA man: Good morning madam. What beautiful children you have, are they twins?

Ugly, Fat Lady: Stupid Bastard! She is 7 and he is only fuckin 3. Why would you think they were twins, dickhead?!!

ASDA Man: I can't imagine anyone shaggin you twice you fat cow.
 

THEV1LL4N

Well-Known Member
#23
Fairly Liquid's new advert is set on a council estate...

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"

"Because i'm only 14, now shut the fuck up and eat your pot noodle!!"
 

Stred

Stank ass bitch
Staff member
#25
Why don't women need a drivers license? because theirs no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why do women have small feet? To get closer to the sink

Why don't women need watches? because there's a clock on the stove

Why don't women have the same rights as men? Because their women.
 

vg4030

Well-Known Member
#26
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza.. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt..

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'
 

THEV1LL4N

Well-Known Member
#29
At his court appearance today Steven Gerrard has released a statement that says he is ashamed of himself as he is supposed to be a role model for the youth of Liverpool. He regrets not knifing the bastard, burgling his house and stealing his car!
 

THEV1LL4N

Well-Known Member
#30
Michael Jackson meets Elvis in heaven and goes "I married your daughter". Then Elvis goes "Thank God for that, i heard she married a nigga".

As Jacko was fighting for his life in the ambulance the doctor said i think we should start the CPR. The paramedics said "no". "We should start the heart massage" the driver said "no we should start an adrenaline drip. Then Jacko gasping for air said "fuck me, you wanna be startin' something".

Reports that Michael Jackson has died from a heart attack are false, he was found in the children's ward having a stroke!

This is the daddy of 'em all!!
Police say Michael Jackson's death could be suspicious, they're currently looking for a smooth criminal, he could be black or white but he's definately bad and dangerous. They got fingerprints off the wall and they say say say there was a man in the mirror, so he has to be there. They would like Ben and Billie Jean to come forward but they don't wanna be startin' something, police say they don't stop til' they get enough as they found blood on the dance floor, its going to be a tough case but they will beat it. Police say its a real thriller.
 

Stone_Cold

Active Member
#32
A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;

"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."

"Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!"

"I'm afraid not," replied the doctor. "You have bowel cancer."
 

ArtsyGirl

Well-Known Member
#33
Thats stupid, why in 9 months? They surely wouldn't have a treatment plan set up to be able to establish in exactly 9 months she would be needing adult nappies.. psssh!
 

vg4030

Well-Known Member
#36
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese manstarts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the littleChinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrongname! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:







(It's a beauty)











(Wait for it)












(Get your best Chinese accent ready)


































'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
 

vg4030

Well-Known Member
#37
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.

When you're intelligent, you know which half.
 

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