Me vs. Me

[Kadafi Son]

This is my first poem on here. I'm not ready off paper, I'm just gonna type it. Hope ya'll like it.

I was born in a seed where my mama consumed weed/
Since then, for 17 years, I was expected to bleed/
Nodody sees me crying when I lay my head to rest/
My whole family is broken, what ever happen to the flesh/
I got no friends. Everybody calls me crazy/
Will I ever find love? If I don't, then I can't have no babies/
Maybe if a brother like me died/
The world would be better off not watching another nigga cry/
Look in the eyes of a silent mercenary, remember the figure/
But if you look into my world, you "people" wouldn't want to enter/
I'm surrounded by pressure, lesser happiness is all I see/
Only feel free when the my family can act in harmony/
I hear death calling me, should I go into the light/
I pray everynight for happiness to Jesus Christ/
Let me sacrifice my life to continue the ones of little kids/
My only value is my mama, she trying hard to get a gig/
Don't show no sympathy, it's too late for the hugs/
I'm becoming suicidal and I'm rolling with some merciless thugs/
But tell me do understand my pain? All the stress and frustration/
All I ever wanted was unity in this nation/
But that can't happen until we find it in ourselves/
The Good Side, The Bad Side, both sides is were my anger dwells/
And the capacity is overwhelmed. I'm about to bust/
My best friend turned enemy-"who do I trust?"/
Shit, I can't trust myself sometimes/
Looking myself in the broken mirror, was it a curse I would find?/
Yes. It's sad when your at war with yourself/
All I got is a soul. I ain't got nothing else/

Peace...self

 

[The.Menace]

I like the rhymes, it's over all a good rhyme. I didn't like that phrase with "babies" and I kinda miss the "bigbang" on the end - but over all a good rhyme.

pz

 

[MX Red]

It was a good poem, it flowed well enough...but dude, your 17, no one should feel like that at your age. Like i said, the poem was good, but very dramatic in parts.

-MX

 

[Helena]

i like it. keep writem em, u got talent!

 

[kman_69]

I like the rhymes, it's over all a good rhyme. I didn't like that phrase with "babies" and I kinda miss the "bigbang" on the end - but over all a good rhyme.

pz

i was actually thinking the same thing when i read this....funny

anyways, besides that..yeah the rhyme scheme was nice...but the flow was a lil off at times...seemed a bit choppy, but cool

keep em commin!

welcome to pj btw!

 

[Swollen_Member]

Tight.
"The Good Side, The Bad Side, both sides is were my anger dwells"
I like this line for some reason.

 

[~live2tell~]

Again good message, I felt some of the vocab didn't fit quite right seemed like you were concentrating more on the rhyme than what you were actually trying to say in parts.

 

[Synful*Luv]

I liked this one too kid, but not as much as I liked the other one.

In this piece, I felt like you were trying to tell me something, but I didn't feel it. It's hard to explain, it's like I know you were trying to take me somewhere with the piece, but I felt like you were kind of walking ahead of me, instead of me being right there with you.

I know my metaphors are kind of confusing, but I just didn't feel like I was there with you like on the other one.

You seemed to concentrate more on telling the story instead of BEING the story as weird as that sounds. But i still liked it the same.

 

[YAKPAC]

good expression... can feel what ur sayin in the poem

 

[kman_69]

hey man, that was pretty deep....on some real personal shit..

i like it

Yes. It's sad when your at war with yourself/
All I got is a soul. I ain't got nothing else/

^^ i really liked the ending

good stuff

keep it up

peace.