Missing

[ArtsyGirl]

Replied to kimbo, GhettoStar and Khalistani ( I think that was his name)

Anyway I wrote this a few months back before I broke up with my BF, its funny when you write poems, you mean every word but time can change the whole thing. Anyway thought I'd share.

Salty tears transformed from fear
Cant take the pain
So I close my eyes
And dream again
I see your face
But nothing can fill the space
Your gone from me
Without a trace
Looks like a missing persons case
Now I pray that you will be found
So something can take away this silent sound.

I like to write short poems, longer ones end up going into useless drivel. Thanks for looking.

 

[Jurhum]

very nicely written... short but had much content to it. Expressive too.

great job

 

[Cown]

Good poem, you have some nice expressions in it and imo it didn't need to be longer then this.

 

[kman_69]

honestly, i like the message...but the rhyme scheme comes across as very forced (just some constructive critisism)....this peice reads as if it doesnt need a rhyme scheme at all...if you know what i mean?

peace.

 

[Katarina]

I prefer shorter poems, it's much more difficult to write them. It's very nice, could tell you were upset from your choice of words. I agree with kman_69 about the rhyme scheme though, it's a bit forced.

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Thanks guys

 

[kimbo_thug]

Yeah girl im likeing this can tell it comes from tha heart and i feel what ya saying bout long poems but id like 2 see ya expand this even if its just another paragraph nice work keep it up x

Fav Line : Cant take the pain
So I close my eyes
And dream again

 

[Devious]

excellent work Artisticgurl, i also prefer shorter poems, longer ones tend to drift and ramble on sometimes, it's good to keep it short and to the point

 

[Saint33]

rilly enjoyed this, and agree most long poems are dragged out and can be drivel, not all of them, but a lot. keep writing girl, u hav talent :thumb:

 

[Diaz]

What a stupid poem.

 

[ArtsyGirl]

:laugh: And you just wasted, what to anyone else would be valuable time, reading a "stupid" poem.

 

[The.Menace]

the rhyme schema isn't 'constant', that's what I don't like (every second line, then every line...)

But I like the ending.

 

[GhettoStar]

Replied to kimbo, GhettoStar and Khalistani ( I think that was his name)

Anyway I wrote this a few months back before I broke up with my BF, its funny when you write poems, you mean every word but time can change the whole thing. Anyway thought I'd share.

Salty tears transformed from fear
Cant take the pain
So I close my eyes
And dream again
I see your face
But nothing can fill the space
Your gone from me
Without a trace
Looks like a missing persons case
Now I pray that you will be found
So something can take away this silent sound.

I like to write short poems, longer ones end up going into useless drivel. Thanks for looking.

Nothing wrong with short poems I think the GZa said it best when he rapped

"Yo, too many songs, weak rhymes that's mad long
Make it brief Son, half short and twice strong"

and Ghostface Killah has made it a habit of having short 16 verse songs on his LP (ranging in a minute and half with only 35-45 secs of rapping) so there is nothing wrong with writing short verse. I enjoyed this whole piece, the only thing that was cliche to me in a way was the missing person case....not saying that it is bad but if you want to strive to be orginal then I would avoid things such as that. Overal; however, it does fit the vibe of the verse and does match the poitn you are making...that the person you care for is missing and without him (or a her since I believe you left it that vague on puprose if so genuis if not genuis without knowing) life is like detah....silent. Good work homegirl

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Nothing wrong with short poems I think the GZa said it best when he rapped

"Yo, too many songs, weak rhymes that's mad long
Make it brief Son, half short and twice strong"

and Ghostface Killah has made it a habit of having short 16 verse songs on his LP (ranging in a minute and half with only 35-45 secs of rapping) so there is nothing wrong with writing short verse. I enjoyed this whole piece, the only thing that was cliche to me in a way was the missing person case....not saying that it is bad but if you want to strive to be orginal then I would avoid things such as that. Overal; however, it does fit the vibe of the verse and does match the poitn you are making...that the person you care for is missing and without him (or a her since I believe you left it that vague on puprose if so genuis if not genuis without knowing) life is like detah....silent. Good work homegirl

Thanks And nah it was about a guy, although I can see how it could be interpreted into different sexes even relationships..

 

[MATW95]

"So I close my eyes
And dream again
I see your face
But nothing can fill the space
Your gone from me"

I liked that little chunk right there because it seems like it's not forced, making it seem more personal, which is terrific. Only thing I can really complain about is that it's too damn short, hahaha. Keep it up :thumb:

 

[C.J.Mak]

Short poem but quite expressive.....Tight poem!........

 

[Kadafi Son]

One of the most str8 forward poems I've read. Tho short, you ain't had no problem gettin' your thoughts across. Not the best I've ever seen from you, but it's still ok 2 me. Thats what poems are 4. Putin' your emotions on a pad and gettin' over it...

peace