My Everlasting Soul

[jm5471]

i kno that sometimes my rhyme scheme may be off or my metaphores are kinda hard to understand so i hope that this poem is a little clearer for everyone to read but there are some deep lines so if u have the time read it over a few times

the ink is my blood and the pen my body
my soul is the paper hardly i ever need an eraser
pardon me its an escape for me
as i cut a vein the words appear all over my soul
from my body its clear so suppose
i run out of ink then i cease to exist
all thats left is my soul and my slit wrists are dismissed
and disposed of cause my souls loved
and can be viewed in times of agony
in any tragedy it holds love cause it happened to me
actually the facts can be seen all over me
so as my body holds my body and peers into my soul
the blank white lines turn into something i kno
so suppose its a difficult time
i enscrypt im my rhymes
the blue ink outside
and the red to define
the sights in my mind
cause bonds can be made on the dotted line
blood brothers are created by corrupt others
so whats my mind????


its still left incomplete but i jus wanted some views on it, and again its deep in some parts so thanks to all that take some time to read i

 

[kman_69]

man...i dont know what your talkin about coz your flow and rhyme scheme are spot on!

dope drop man....even tho as u say the metaphores are a bit hard to grasp...i still got something out of it

so as my body holds my body and peers into my soul
the blank white lines turn into something i kno
so suppose its a difficult time
i enscrypt im my rhymes
the blue ink outside

^^that was dope.

peace.

 

[jm5471]

thanks for checkin it out, hope u enjoyed it

 

[~live2tell~]

I liked this, it was well written and the flow and rhyme scheme was really tight. Its difficult to grasp a true meaning from this as I'm sure each person can take something different away after reading it, and I love that about this kinda poetry - it can mean a number of things.

The only criticism I could make is that some of the vocab was a tad repetitive and it sometimes made it difficult to understand.

Nevertheless I thought it was a great piece of writing :thumb:

 

[jm5471]

yea its kinda hard to grasp all of it but thanks for givin your opinion

 

[Bigg Limn]

"my soul is the paper hardly i ever need an eraser"
I didn't like that line at all, because throughout the peice you're talking about a pen, then you switch to "hardly ever need an eraser" which insinuates that you're using a pencil. It just doesn't make sense. Throughout most of this you seemed to jump from topic to topic without any real transition, so it made the reading of it a bit harsh. "as i cut a vein the words appear all over my soul" - that was a nice line though, definately felt that. I also liked the "as my body holds my body" that was a cool image as well. I didn't like how you ended this though, it seemed too abrupt. It's a good start, but I'd be interested in seeing the final, revised product.

Peace.

 

[jm5471]

yea most of the time when i write its jus goin wit no stopin n looking back until im finished so thats the reason for it bein so choppy but thanks for the comments and for checkin it out

 

[Br0k3nW1ngz187]

i dont know if n e one put it down yet, but if they did, they obviously didnt read it. it was really good, straight from the beginning. i liked how you started off, and you were able to keep the flow through the whole hook. i can relate with it, so that may be why i love it so much! great job, but when u gonna finish it?

 

[jm5471]

i wrote 2 other verse for it but i need 2 re work em then ill post it, im happy u like it