my first piece

[DaDeathGod]

This my first piece ever so be gentle

Man these motherfuckers acting all fly
but Nitronic just fly by
Sitting in the crib getting high
Motherfucker say good-bye

laid back sipping on my buddy jim
aint touching no shim
man chilling out with a cat named Nim
his more into the hims
man theirs thesse whores by the name of tor
He just a snitch
man fuck the bitch

Some Fags have a wide Vocabulary
Im The guy with the wide Flowcabulary
man to rap i concentrated
Your flow is just Constipated
man you acting all coolo
Besè mi Culo Puto

 

[Shadows]

I think taking out words like "named" would fit the flow a bit better.

If you're talking about a cat, then the name NIM kind of is self explanatory.

Some Fags have a wide Vocabulary
Im The guy with the wide Flowcabulary

Is your best line.

Count your syllables.

Try a rhyme every 6 - 7 syllables to start off.

So many battlefield scars 7 while driven in plush cars7
This life as a rap star 6 is nothin without heart 6
Was born rough and rugged, 6 addressin the mad public 7
My attitude was, "Fuck it," 7cause motherfuckers love it 7


Once you get into a 6-7 syllable thing, try rhyming 2 words at the end.

"Fuck it" "Love it"

Soon you will be rhyming 3 and so on...

Good effort for a first time.

 

[ImmortalTech]

wow... good feedback shadows. I never seen anyone break it down with such simplicity for a new writer

 

[Shadows]

Thanks, Bro.

I had to learn all that shit by myself.

I broke down all of Eminems The Way I am and a couple of tupac's.

But I started with Ambtions Az A Ridah.

 

[ImmortalTech]

^^ yeaa everyone does at some point, it woulda been nice to have some pointers like that when I started off