My Nightmare

#1
****I had a dream or maybe a nightmare slash awakning. call it what you want to but it scared the crap out of me. I tried to write down as much as I could remember but since that shit was long as hell bout 6 pages I just kinda condensed the hell out of it...I dont care if this gets no feedback i just wanted to drop this so i can kinda reflect on it alittle bit and see how peeps feel. I was a little hesitant on putting shit on here like this but After reading the drop by Henn I think that this isnt as crazy as i thought so i thought i would actually put it up... so here goes nothin***




As I walk down the street the colors seem so dull and disgusting
The air no longer is crisp its rotton and every car is forever rusting
The concrete has nothing but cracks and the neighborhood is deminishing
Children how I loath them I flick my cigarette at em without finishing
I continue my stroll taking in the eye soars of the constant deception
If God made me in his image than he made the world out of his depression
All I see is gangsters and theifs, Liars, bitches and crooks
Yet as I walk down this street I'm the only one getting the dirty looks
I take a trip through the subway light a smoke and wallow in self pitty
Wondering why it is that jesus did for our sins yet this world is so shitty
In the subway car everyones glare is on me I see the fright in there eyes
My mind starts to sort out weather they hate me or they see my demise
My stops coming up to I exhale my smoking "dragon" into the unventilated shaft
People start to gag and cough and under any other circumstance i would have laughed

30 feet and I pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of my horrid reflection
All i see is blurred lines like a reflection of the times so i start to question
Did i see what i think i did? No doubt now I'm scared I frantically look for a map
These people and images turn to silhouette's I rub my eyes but feel something like sap
In frustration I swing I search my backpack...what the hell did I bring?
I found a rock to fling it was flung I hear a clunk and then i feel a sting
My heart rate is accelerated why did I pick this time to walk when i could have waited
All of a sudden the colors are gone, no lights and the sounds have dissipated

Suddenly my eyes are penetrated with images of myself earlier that day
As i walk down the driveway and exchange fuck you's with the neighbors like everyday
Pass the homeless man begging for a buck to the Arabic motherfuck at the liquor store
Slap down my Platinum Visa for a coke, smoke , pizza and a delicious smore
Watch me Body check a youngsta as he's walking through the door dropping his money
Fast forward to the diner where I skipped the check because the eggs were too runny
Now I'm walking down the street again like before filled with anger and rage
Watching with disgust the landscape and how its rusted with age
I watch as I board the subway but this time I see what the hell people were glaring at
The was a single black shadow where I was at. siting right where I was at
Not taking me place but like a hologram or my own shadow would do
Fast forward a little to that rock that I had flung It had bounced off the shadow and hit me too
The images stopped and I heard a voice I called out "Lord jesus I repent...
For I have seen the errors of my ways and have seen the messafes that you have sent"
The voice said "It is to late my son for you can not undo what has been done..."
I try to open my eyes but I can not see but god loves me for he called me son
The silhouette's return and so do the sounds reminding me time cant be rewinded
The suns hits my eyelids to burn the image into my retna "Ignorant Minded = Forever Blinded"
 
#2
I think this could be made into something fantastic, right now I think it's good, I think the structure needs some work and you need to look at the flow and make it more consistent. I really like the last verse, thought that the expression in the sentences was so honest it brought the whole poem to life.
 

XIAN

New Member
#3
This is a pretty cool story. It's very creative and has good imagery, and the end was great it has a good moral.
~peace~
 
#4
wow....your crazy man! haha j/j

very cool drop!

very visual

The suns hits my eyelids to burn the image into my retna "Ignorant Minded = Forever Blinded"

^^loved the ending....really different

keep em commin

peace.
 
#5
thanks to everyone that showed there love, for me I'm never done with the poems I always go back and edit them until i feel that they are perfect so i will take ur advice...much love to all of you...

the ending was my favorite part to write aswell
 

Ivory$horty

†PoeticPrincess†
#6
Been a lil while since I read something from you TTP. This is a long ass drop, probably a bad idea to read it at 6am just when you're about to leave for work, lol. I was feeling it though...I think at some points you tried to pack too much into one sentence so it threw off the flow a lil bit but other than that...I felt the imagery and story behind it. Last verse is exceptional. Love it!
As always...keep it up.

3 hugz,2 kisses,1 love
~*Ivory$horty*~
 

The.Menace

Well-Known Member
Staff member
#10
that's a good thing lol. It's just long and I've been high, I kinda struggled to find the right words, but....it's a good thing, that's what I know.
 
#11
dont worry bout the length even you read this as spoken word you will have all them hipsters and shit on yo jock, no joke.....people have read FD'n essays (meaning an essay, no rhymes just reading for 10+ minutes and people were eating it up)......it is all bout your style, the fact is it is very deatiled as well as well written, I have also written a similar poem myself that I will have to share but it is exactlly like this espically these lines from your work:
30 feet and I pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of my horrid reflection
All i see is blurred lines like a reflection of the times so i start to question
Did i see what i think i did? No doubt now I'm scared I frantically look for a map
These people and images turn to silhouette's I rub my eyes but feel something like sap
In frustration I swing I search my backpack...what the hell did I bring?
I found a rock to fling it was flung I hear a clunk and then i feel a sting
My heart rate is accelerated why did I pick this time to walk when i could have waited
All of a sudden the colors are gone, no lights and the sounds have dissipated
once again if it is not obvious I thought this was great, it is all coming from someone who has done alot of spoken word and seen it. This would work just gotta add emotion in temrs of speaking it and make sure the crowd is all bout poetry this deep.
 

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