My time

[MX Red]

No need to say bye,
You’re already out of my mind,
Don’t have to explain why you’re walking on by,
You’ve already said it a thousand times,
Can’t you understand you are but a diversion in the scheme of my life,
A secondary character, simply one that doesn’t matter,
Don’t blame me for all that’s gone wrong,
I never said I loved you, never made you a promise I didn’t keep,
All the talk of tomorrow were your dreams,
My dreams stayed with me,
I shared with you my time, not my life,
I gave you my affection, not my soul,
You talked of growing old,
Did I miss my youth?
I’m still young, all those things are to come,
I live for today, there will be plenty of time for yesterday,
So walk on by, this is my time,

 

[kman_69]

ah im lovin this man.....just what i needed to read atm

I live for today, there will be plenty of time for yesterday,
So walk on by, this is my time,

^^last line did it for me ....but why is there a comma? -was there more to it? or just a typo?

peace.

 

[Jokerman]

Yeah, I like this one.

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

Well, I like this poem also.

I like the feeling it's got in it - not so much of the common turmoil expressed in relationship/break-up poems, but of the clear seperation represented.

The mot noticeable thing about this poem to me was that, as a stand-alone stanza, it has an odd numbered line count (17). Using an odd numbered line count is not the most unusual thing ever though, particularly the way you've made your final line definitive of the poem as a whole.

The rhyme scheme is a bit hectic which, in a normal relatioship/break-up poem with the aforementioned turmoil, could be seen indicative of emotion, here just appears non-chalant. I don't think it particularly takes away from the flow of the poem, but I don't think it adds to it either.

Also in regards to flow & structure, the line length (or metre) is off at times but, on the whole, isn't that big a detriment.

The line I rpobably appreciate most is the eighth: I never said I loved you, never made you a promise I didn’t keep

You're being harsh but fair here but I'd like you to actually elaborate in a normal post as to what happened before I really comment more.

Btw, where you listening to Dionne Warwick (OG) or Isaac Hayes (still soulful) when you were writing this?

 

[~live2tell~]

Well two words spring to my mind - brutally honest. Did you show this to the person it was written for?

I liked it - it's to the point, no beating around the bush as they say...

After reading though it left me feeling sad

Good drop :thumb:

 

[Levendi]

when I read this I was thinking...poor girl who you're writing this for, its like you're breaking someones heart and are so cold and distant about it...

thats wow.


keep em coming man, that was a really good piece.








p.s - "walk on by" - dionne, a nice song.

 

[Sebastian]

like this one as well. u painted a clear picture, nice read...even though the flow changed throughout the poem but it doesnt matter..:thumb:

 

[jm5471]

I live for today, there will be plenty of time for yesterday,
So walk on by, this is my time,

i love this line, this is a really good piece, i liked the way that you encorportated the words that you rhymed

 

[Bender]

"Can’t you understand you are but a diversion in the scheme of my life,
A secondary character, simply one that doesn’t matter"

^That's some deep perceptional stuff you got right there.

Also the way you opened the poem was by dismissing the need to say goodbye, a kind of welcoming feeling drooled over me. I like your style.

 

[xXHizzo.M40Xx]

Havent been in here for a while... Im gald that i read this poem first... Can i use this and give it my ex girl next time she says she's "sorry" and "can we be friends".... Goos Shit!

All the talk of tomorrow were your dreams,
My dreams stayed with me,
I shared with you my time, not my life,
I gave you my affection, not my soul,
You talked of growing old,

Liking this, keep up the good work!