Opinions...

[jm5471]

Secular View

finally got the title


do we all live by a secular view
no expecting, sometimes rejecting an injection
of lifes audio flu
sometimes sporty it can be spued
while others who are fourty have another view
the beatles touch the needle consistantly
cause all those people want a sequal 2 that ophinany
they search for a descripancy 2 make shit equal
tho its endangered like a bald eagle
its like a stranger, no ones equal
pac, hendrix or the beatles
sublime, nirvana, biggie, its a pity we wont see more
just cause of drugz or ones whos greed was more
this thought leaves my heart sore
cause i believe their hearts soared
like the doors, their pours leaked art and more
i dont kno where 2 start heres the entrence 2 the door
read back that sentence a lil more
its like a spore
ready 2 impregnate the world like a hoar
nothing more.................

 

[kman_69]

do we all live by a secular view
no expecting, sometimes rejecting an injection
of lifes audio flu
sometimes sporty it can be spued
while others who are fourty have another view
the beatles touch the needle consistantly
cause all those people want a sequal 2 that ophinany
they search for a descripancy 2 make shit equal


^^the start was off the hook!!...really feelin it, really drew me in....

but the end kinda trailed off a bit...

def liking the topic tho....a new angle on shit

"secular views" could be a good title...?

 

[jm5471]

thanks i think that'll be it

 

[~live2tell~]

Just to be different to Kman's post I preferred the ending

For me it read more fluent the more I progressed through the poem and I was able to appreciate it more than the start.


sublime, nirvana, biggie, its a pity we wont see more
just cause of drugz or ones whos greed was more
this thought leaves my heart sore
cause i believe their hearts soared
like the doors, their pours leaked art and more
i dont kno where 2 start heres the entrence 2 the door
read back that sentence a lil more
its like a spore
ready 2 impregnate the world like a hoar
nothing more.................

I thought that part was great :thumb:

 

[jm5471]

thanks for checkin it out

 

[kman_69]

hehe glad u chose that title

 

[Hennessy]

some nice shit in here man, i was feelin it, you had some dope multisyllabic rhyming in there which made the transitions THAT much more stressed, which made it THAT much better for me to read.

feelin the openin lines, and you closed it off well.

 

[jm5471]

thanks im happy u enjoyed it

 

[Br0k3nW1ngz187]

i agree with kman. it was really great in the beginning, but it got kind of vague in the end. i understood it tho, but it was hard to follow. good job over all!

 

[jm5471]

yea i need 2 finalize it, thanks 4 checkin it out