some deep shit

[struggle01]

just a flow tell me what u people think

Im a poet due to my respect for strong imagination
I rhyme and write w/o economic aspiration
act on impulses becuz i lack hesitation
lookin bak i guess theres no good explanation
So im on a 1 way road to the final destination
On my way 2 oblivion or a brand new creation
we study religon and heaven but w/o education
A world scared str8 out of fear damn nation
Well i shall fear no man but god if he exist
He watches my bak yet i ask what proof of this
still around my neck i keep the holy crucifix
and around my hands i keep the scars on my rist
If u werent ever then you ll truly b missed
cuz i believed someone listented nights i wished
Even though at times I only put faith in my fist
I needed the strength to keep my sanity and wits
Im loosing control now God refuses 2 save me
But what if im mislead and its God thats crazy
When i turn my head ill see another doomed baby
When i look 4 support ill see a broke old lady
When i see my friends smoked out being lazy
I wont help but think is this the last time i c em maybe
God help where you at dont this future look hazy
And he'll reply w/ the same silence hes always gave me

 

[struggle01]

hey yo just give me some feedback if its whack let me no i dont give a f*ck. im just writing off the top of my head. Is 2 soft dont make sense let me know so i could work on it.

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Nah that was tight, I liked the concept you have here. You finished it off very nicely with:

God help where you at dont this future look hazy
And he'll reply w/ the same silence hes always gave me

Some of the rhymes were a bit simplistic I guess but I dont care it made it easier to follow and you really want that when your putting out a message, atleast thats what I like. Well done

 

[tHuG $TyLe]

You started of dope, it could simple near the end but it was still a tight drop.

 

[struggle01]

yea towards the end think i sliped a lil. It was just flowing so i kept writing feelings off the top my head. not as much thought so some the rhyme quality went down a little. good lookin thanks 4 the feedback u 2

 

[DeeezNuuuts83]

not bad, but the overuse of words that rhymed with the same thing ("creation" "eduation" "nation" "crazy" "lady" "baby" etc.) got a little redundant. I would recommend switching up the rhyme schemes or using stronger punchlines to make up for the simplicity.

but still good overall.

 

[ImmortalTech]

^^^ word... it was a deep lil peice though, but the 4-5 lines with rhyming words in the end are kinda drawn out. Every1s got their own style, so its all good. And at times simplictity is the best thing u can do to ur peice, so dont sweat the simple rhymes. At times being complex with ur rhyming scheme can take away the deepness, it all depends on what ur conveying.

~keep writing

 

[struggle01]

Yea i wasnt thinking bout the overuse of the words but u both right. simplicity dont really bother me sometimes it just comes out that way. Depends on what im focused with. Thanks 4 the feedbak. hope more people start posting in here. I write shit all the time but no1 else post any flows so i dont bother.