The Girl

[Devious]

Replied to GhettoStar, Artisticgurl and Kadafi Son

so this is my first attempt at poetry, please go easy on me. i know it isnt great, it's kinda corny and it doesnt flow well at all, but it's based on true events that have occured recently, and it all came from the heart. criticism is appreciated, but like i said, this is my first piece, so be nice

the girl

sometimes you find love in the strangest of places
pick a personality out of so many faces
she was my love, the only one i adored
but now she's gone, so cold how she showed me the door

it started out innocent, 2 friends and a bond
but it grew to much more, like magic from a wand
we were inseperable, closer than close
our time spent together, to me meant the most

now i know that this might sound sappy
but i had found love, for once i was happy
made me forget about all of my pain
and put a smile on my face once again

i was so sure that she was the one
asked her to marry me, said i was done
looking for others, she was all that i need
she even said yes, but should i take heed?

but then i had to tell her a lie
almost ruined it all, but time went by
and she had forgiven me, we moved on
to be happy again, but not for too long

then the big day came when we were to meet
she was even more beautiful than i ever dreamed
but things went bad, i opened my mouth
and said some dumb things, and her heart went south

now i'm back home and i'm trying to fix it
i screwed it up, so i'm dying to nix it
lets try to pretend that this never happened
and start new again, but it was entrapment

knew it wouldnt work, maybe it's too soon
but i was too selfish, i wanted the moon
wanted her in my life, couldnt bear to lose her
but she didnt want me back, maybe i'm just a loser

so this is my story of how i found love
and ruined it all by trying to shove
all of my bullshit onto her plate,
started as love but moved onto hate

well someday girl i hope you forgive me
i was an ass, i just wanted you to give me
your heart, and instead i ruined our world
but i will never be able to forget the girl

PS: just for reference, the girl that this poem is about is the same girl i was talking about in this thread http://www.streethop.com/forum/thread161030.html

 

[Devious]

bump i was hoping to get at least one "man this shit sucks, dont ever write poetry again" comment LOL, but alas, no comments :sad:

 

[Diaz]

Man, Im really feeling your poem. It's beautiful... reminds me of something that happened to me. Shit was really rough, I've never cried so hard. I was sure she was the one, she was an angel... how are you taking this?

 

[k69atie]

i actually like this poem.

very deep, and emotional. i can tell you have a lot of feelings behind it. keep writing :thumb:

keep your chin up *hug*

 

[Devious]

i actually like this poem.

very deep, and emotional. i can tell you have a lot of feelings behind it. keep writing :thumb:

keep your chin up *hug*

thanks for the comment katie, but the poem really isn't that good, i dont think. i just posted it because i wrote it and i wanted to get some opinions on it.

 

[MATW95]

It seems like this would be a better if I were to hear it rather than reading it because of the simplicity of it. Not saying that's bad because sometimes being too complex makes poems just sound absurd. But hey, first piece, so keep writing :thumb:

 

[Devious]

It seems like this would be a better if I were to hear it rather than reading it because of the simplicity of it. Not saying that's bad because sometimes being too complex makes poems just sound absurd. But hey, first piece, so keep writing :thumb:

yeah to be honest, it is very simple, i went with the simplest layout/scheme that i could think of. it's not even a serious attempt at poetry, just a way of writing my feelings out in rhyme form LOL. i doubt i'm gonna write more tho, i'm not much of a poetry guy, i'll leave that to the people who are actually good at it :thumb:

 

[Saint33]

i like it alot dvs :thumb: simple and to the point, alot of emotion put in this. For a first poem, this is very good, keep it up

 

[The.Menace]

I like this. I think it's very good for your first try, I honestly do. Some rhymes didn't flow that good yet (lose her and loser I didn't like), but see, that's a matter of time, you gotta pratice, believe me, over time you'll improve. I'm just happy that you tried to write a poem you, had the balls to write a corny poem out of the blue. I like that and I think it's important cause some things you gotta get out, even though you're male,

Now, go and write me a pm how you actually fucked it up, I'd like to know.

 

[GhettoStar]

Replied to GhettoStar, Artisticgurl and Kadafi Son

so this is my first attempt at poetry, please go easy on me. i know it isnt great, it's kinda corny and it doesnt flow well at all, but it's based on true events that have occured recently, and it all came from the heart. criticism is appreciated, but like i said, this is my first piece, so be nice

the girl

sometimes you find love in the strangest of places
pick a personality out of so many faces
she was my love, the only one i adored
but now she's gone, so cold how she showed me the door

it started out innocent, 2 friends and a bond
but it grew to much more, like magic from a wand
we were inseperable, closer than close
our time spent together, to me meant the most

now i know that this might sound sappy
but i had found love, for once i was happy
made me forget about all of my pain
and put a smile on my face once again

i was so sure that she was the one
asked her to marry me, said i was done
looking for others, she was all that i need
she even said yes, but should i take heed?

but then i had to tell her a lie
almost ruined it all, but time went by
and she had forgiven me, we moved on
to be happy again, but not for too long

then the big day came when we were to meet
she was even more beautiful than i ever dreamed
but things went bad, i opened my mouth
and said some dumb things, and her heart went south

now i'm back home and i'm trying to fix it
i screwed it up, so i'm dying to nix it
lets try to pretend that this never happened
and start new again, but it was entrapment

knew it wouldnt work, maybe it's too soon
but i was too selfish, i wanted the moon
wanted her in my life, couldnt bear to lose her
but she didnt want me back, maybe i'm just a loser

so this is my story of how i found love
and ruined it all by trying to shove
all of my bullshit onto her plate,
started as love but moved onto hate

well someday girl i hope you forgive me
i was an ass, i just wanted you to give me
your heart, and instead i ruined our world
but i will never be able to forget the girl

PS: just for reference, the girl that this poem is about is the same girl i was talking about in this thread http://www.streethop.com/forum/thread161030.html

Knwoing back ground info on this makes it hit that much closer to home, if I recall you got a lil bit of slack over this girl but I see it was deep enough to write this. Overal it is a good, I say work on your rhymtic patterns as you get more advanced, add some internals to connect the lines better and so forth and increase the vocab, but this is me talking and my style of poetic is diffrent then yours (neither a good thing or bad, just diffrent). So keep doing you and using the pain of personel fuel your wriiting. I see potential just keep on at it.