The joke thread!
- Thread starter Farzin
- Start date
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR .. . ..
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Casper, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Casper, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin .After all the background checks and interviews were done, there were 3 finalists;
two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair . . . kill him!!'
The woman said,
'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband!'
The agent said,
'Then you're not the right for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions.
She took the gun and went into the room.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes,
'Sorry, I just can't kill my husband..'
The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man's turn. He was given the instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun was loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to beat her to death with the chair.'
two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair . . . kill him!!'
The woman said,
'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband!'
The agent said,
'Then you're not the right for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions.
She took the gun and went into the room.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes,
'Sorry, I just can't kill my husband..'
The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man's turn. He was given the instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun was loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to beat her to death with the chair.'
What's the difference between a girl's basketball team and a Muslim girl?
The girls' team showers after three periods.
You ever notice there were no niggers in The Flintstones?
It's because the niggers were still apes back then.
How do you know when a Muslim girl is on her period?
She's only got one sock on.
The girls' team showers after three periods.
You ever notice there were no niggers in The Flintstones?
It's because the niggers were still apes back then.
How do you know when a Muslim girl is on her period?
She's only got one sock on.
A white guy finds and then rubs a magic lamp and agenie comes out, genie will grant him 3 wishes but there is a catch, anything he wishes for every black man will get 2, the man wishes for a Ferrari...genie responds now every black man in the world has 2 Ferraris, white guy then responds well for my 2nd wish i'll have a supermodel....poof to add to the ferrari the genie gives the man a supermodel, but adds now every black man has 2 supermodels. The man takes a second to think and then comes up with his final wish. "Genie, i want you to beat me half to death."
A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time. He tells them that it's really important that they familiarise themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do"
He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it. Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."
Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.
Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth"
A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time. He tells them that it's really important that they familiarise themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do"
He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus, pulls it out and sucks on it. Then he lines up the students and says "Now your turn."
Obediently, one by one, grimacing as they do, they all in turn, put their fingers in the guys ass and then suck on them.
Once they all complete the task, the surgeon says "It's also important that you learn to be observant. I put my ring finger in his ass and my index finger in my mouth"
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
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