Untitled

[ImmortalTech]

couldn't think of a name for this right here, so i left it untitled

------
Livin' to die, diein' to live//
pockets swollen still never ready to give//
smokin' on quarter bags, turnin riches to rags//
the ghetto got us twisted turnin queens into hags//
this world is based on facts, but ruled by fiction//
are u surpirised half the hood, is cookin crack in the kitchen//
when u hear about a homicide, ya sit with a blank stare and listen//
but when it comes to philistini genocide, our hearts are missin//
we sit here and watch as humanity is lost//
the daily death of millions, but what was the cost?//
Our souls to the devil, n we let em take it for free//
did u ever think about the slaves that were dropped in the sea//
starvin kids and hungry mothers, was this part of ur "dream"?//
Amerikkka created a nitemare just for a taste of the cream//
Now we got millions of Muslims driftin' away from their deen (faith) //
A Zionist agenda, carried out by a mason//
Liberal colinization, asimilating people nation by nation//
Before this this westernization, our females would never be at the clubs//
brothers on drugs sisters in pubs, is this what we came here for?//
Its like we have a choice, but we aint chosin' the right door//
As if our sinnin, wasnt enough, we steadily askin for more//
Im ready to put my life on the line to put an end to this shit//
I was lost in the dark, but luckily the guiding light stayed lit//
sparkin Jay's in the park, my peoples woulda never thought of it//
its like we sick in the heart, but aint nothin' medication can fix//


~peace

 

[Ryan2318]

I wish more artists would write like this instead of the whole i got 1000 dollars in my pocket thing.

only thing that got me is you went a little bit too intelligent. alot of people probably wouldn't know what you are talking about once you get to

"Now we got millions of Muslims driftin' away from their deen (faith) //
A Zionist agenda, carried out by a mason//"

But nevertheless its good.

 

[.cloud.]

I liked it, but I must ask - What's "genopsyde"? Do you mean "genocide"?

 

[ImmortalTech]

^sorry bout that, my spellings pretty bad, but thanks for pointing that out

and ryan, i juss put down whatever comes to my mind man, so that bar not everybody will understand, but atleast if they liked the rest of it, they'll look up what it means, and thats the whole point of hiphop to get ppl to think, and educate themselves... and i guess thats why i aint been up in the studio with local cats, cuz aint nobody coppin cd's on the streets lookin for anythind deep, they usually just want really raw shit, and i respect that.. but with my style i guess i wont get too many chances. And on top of that i dont drop on a regular, juss once in a while when i feel like it

~peace

 

[Robbo1984]

Yeh! That was pretty good, keep up the good work dude, and keep writing!

 

[imported_MAKaveli_10]

thats pretty good.

 

[Florida123]

nice...droppin knowledge while still delivering a solid flow

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

That's pretty nice.

I appreciate your use of internal rhymes.

 

[ImmortalTech]

thanks for the feed back, please check my posts and criticize some of it too. I feel like i have alotta room to improve, but i dont really get a chance to write too often.

~peace

 

[Tha Thug Poet]

damn that shit was good. u could improve a lil. but that shit was tight. it had me wantin to read more yet there wasnt anymore. good storytellin and u captured the essence of it...

good shit dogg

 

[bigCASH]

there were some aight rhymes in here all in all good work

 

[ARon]

I like what you treid to do, and did do in some cases. Some original ideas but some have been used, slaves in the ocean and what have you. The line the guy already pointed out about Muslims driftin... was solid, nice line. Flow would be good, had some internals, always helps out, lines were too long so unless you ahve no rhythm it should sound nice. Lyrically it was pretty nice, vocab was good, this stood out
A Zionist agenda, carried out by a mason//
Liberal colinization, asimilating people nation by nation//
Nice


As if our sinnin, wasnt enough, we steadily askin for more//
Im ready to put my life on the line to put an end to this shit//
I was lost in the dark, but luckily the guiding light stayed lit//
sparkin Jay's in the park, my peoples woulda never thought of it//
its like we sick in the heart, but aint nothin' medication can fix//

The line i bolded doesn't really seems like it fits, not with what your sayin. Plus you go from talkin bout Sinnin to keeping your strength to end your life for it all, then, sparkin jay's in the park, i mean to me it jsut seems like it don't seem right, i might be seeing it wrong though, or you just might like it.
All in all a good drop, im felling it definitley, peace.

 

[ImmortalTech]

was lost in the dark, but luckily the guiding light stayed lit//
sparkin Jay's in the park, my peoples woulda never thought of it//

... i can see why that may seem outta place, but the way i was thinkin of it while writing was just linking the two lines (Most ppl chose to blaze after dark, at parks) (Guiding light, just alludes to the light created by Sparkin Jays).. so in all the way i intended to link those lines was just ironic, but i guess the whole idea was pretty, unclear. So thanks for the much needed criticism Aristotle

... ANd Big Cash, could u please, hit me up with some feedback on how i can improve some of my aight rhymes?

 

[ARon]

I understand what your sayin, i guess its kinda hard to catch at first, nothing wrong with that though, not bad then.

 

[WayCide-Ridah]

damn, all i can say was damn.


Can you flow pretty good, cuz i see alot of dudes that can write but can't flow

 

[ImmortalTech]

^^ maan, i'll let u know how good or bad i am when i get to drop that, I've had a few ppl invite me to a studio with em (i mean just local cats) but i just been caught up with some other shit, so i havent ever been able to do it. Actually if i get the chance in the near future, ima make sure i post it here first, so u can tell me if im good or if i'm wack, hahaha... and i aint one of those ppl that get emotional when some1 says something i did is wack, so its all good

... but thanks for the looks, peace

 

[WayCide-Ridah]

oh word, i didn't mean to offend u, u know, but it's all good, i liked this ish.
Just wanted to know, that's all.

But yeah post that shit, i got some ish, but i'm going to school, so it's hard for me to find the time and money to go to the studio, peace

 

[ImmortalTech]

lol no offence taken man... thanks for the look
.. and yea ima post it for sure if i ever get it on audio
~peace

 

[GhostOfRazgriz]

dude no need to diss masons, im masonic, theres nothing corruptive or evil about it although a lot of evil corruptive people were masons.

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

^
He didn't diss masons, he alluded to dissing a mason - singular.

You Goodfellas are waaaaaay too sensitive.