when i die

[assassin_4001]

hi everyone,,,this is my second poem i post in this forum,,,anyhow hope you like it,,,

Imagine what would people's reaction be when I die
When I am instinct and there's no more me
What if I leave this world without saying goodbye
Would you be disappointed and angry at me
Would you remember me as a great genuine person that I am
Or as the loud mouth full of sick jokes fool I am?
Would you go on with your life as if nothing ever happened
Or would you be crying and saddened
What if the time is appropriate right now for my early demise
What would be of your cold heart and dead eyes
Would your doubles shed tears for me
Would your heart start shaking for me
Would you keep building what I have dozed on
Or would you just think of me as another civillian buried
Don't worry my friend for I have been living my life worried
After long restless sleepless nights I shall gain
What's rightfully mine with no more affiliation to pain
People should accept my untimely death as one of god's righteous wills
I'm high above the mountain , through the skies , to the hidden hills
Will the angels in green grasp my soul with such a soft touch
Leave my body with a smile I was craving so much
Or will the angels in red crush my skull into twins?
Punishing me for all those stupid ugly sins
As I look up from the sky at those down below
When my soul gets perfumed so nice and slow
Will I see people gathering around me full of shock
Or will they keep their feelings inside a metal safety lock
Whatever their reaction would be
It actually doesn't matter to me
For hell is what I fear absolutely the very most
And heaven is my goal
Even if selling my own mother would be the cost
For me to rest my soul

 

[~live2tell~]

good piece, the rhymes were a lil choppy here and there making the flow a lil off but in terms of content it was very good, concise and you kept good direction. overall powerful piece, keep it up.

 

[Kadafi Son]

Enjoyed a lot of the parts of this poem. Can't really point one out, but that was a real emotional piece. I didn't really understand the last 2 lines, but this was still a superior piece. Keep em coming.
Peace.

 

[assassin_4001]

thx for the feedback,,,and kadafi son the last to lines meant is how scared i am from hell that i would even sell my own mother just to avoid hell and just rest my soul..

 

[MATW95]

Good piece and thanks for the clarification on the last two lines.
Work on your metaphors too, I see that you like to implement them into the verses.
Good work overall :thumb:

 

[The.Menace]

I don't like the ryhme schema - you start rhyming every second line (die, me, by, me), then you suddenly rhyme every line and later on go back to rhyme every second line. Besides that 2 rhyme the same words (am/am - me/me) is just wrong.